Barroom jokes

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"

The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'
'Why? Don't ye believe me?'

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, 'There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.' The Scot is not impressed and says, 'That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says 'That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies 'No, but my sister told me about it.'