Barroom jokes

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,' said a small woman, 'but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Why do drunks throw up in the sewer?
So homeless people can have breakfast.

A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows it. The bartender says, 'Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?' 'What?' asked the man. 'He just ate my billiard ball!' The man apologized to the pool players and paid the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender said, 'Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?' The man said, 'Yeah, I know, he measures it now!'