Barroom jokes

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how tall is it?
 
 
A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn't take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
They said, 'We are measuring this pole.'
The man asks, 'Why didn't you measure it on the ground?'
They said, 'We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.'
three strings walk into a bar
 
 
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, 'I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here.' The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said.

'I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink,' said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers.

The bartender says, 'I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here.' So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.

The thrid string says 'Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink' The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers.

The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, 'You a string?'

"Frayed knot,'he replies.

lemon squeeze
 
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over timebut nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?
"I work for the IRS."
bar & donkey
 
 
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"


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