Barroom jokes

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

'I can't do that, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'

'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'

'Alright, we could get a blood sample.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'

'Fine then, just walk this white line.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm drunk.'

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, 'I'm sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.' The man replies, 'No, it's not you, it's the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.'