Barroom jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

'I can't do that, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'

'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'

'Alright, we could get a blood sample.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'

'Fine then, just walk this white line.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm drunk.'

Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first pig went in and ordered one beer. 15 minutes later, he asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender replied, ' Down the hall and to your right.'
Then, the second pig came in and ordered two beers, and after 30 minutes, he asked where the bathroom was.
Once again, the bartender replied, 'Down the hall and to your right.'
After that, the third pig came in. He ordered three beers, and after 45 minutes, asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same as the other to.
The fourth pig came in, and ordered four beers, and after and hour, asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same thing as he told the other three.
After all this, the fifth pig came in and ordered five beers. After about an hour and a half, he had NOT asked where the bathroom was. The bartender was wondering why.
So he asked, 'Don't you want to know where the bathroom is like the other four pigs?' The fifth pig just looked up him and answered smartly,
'No. Because I'm the piggy that goes, 'Wee wee wee,' all the way home.'