Barroom jokes

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.'
'Why? Don't ye believe me?'

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, 'There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.' The Scot is not impressed and says, 'That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says 'That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies 'No, but my sister told me about it.'

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said 'Clean my house.'

A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and it said “Win this...free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken man over there? Knock him out in one punch. See that dog? He has a toothache but noone can get the tooth out. Take the tooth out. See that old lady? She hasn't been screwed in a while so...screw her.”

The man walks over to the drunk man and knocks him out with one punch. Then, he goes over to the dog and brings him into the back alley. The bartender hears some noises and then the man comes back in with a pair of pliers and says, “Where's the old lady with a toothache?”