Barroom jokes

Bloke walks into a pub with a cheese sandwich under his arm. 'A pint of Guinness and a half for the cheese sandwich?' he says to the barman. 'I'm sorry, sir,' comes the reply, 'we don't serve food in here.'

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. 'Don't worry!' says the driver to his friend, 'Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!'

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. 'Have you been drinking?' he asks them.

'Oh no Sir,' replies the driver.

'I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?' the cop asks.

'Oh, no sir,' the drunk answers. 'We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.'

'Well, I've got to ask you,' says the cop, 'What on earth are those things on your forehead?'

'That's easy, Officer,' says the drunk. 'You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!'

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"