Barroom jokes

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much beer has got to have a pint on me!"