Barroom jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.
"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."
"Actually," the second drunk said, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra...