Barroom jokes

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
I'll be leaving before the next round.

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
I'm easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
I'm gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
I'm horny.

10. "Who's got the next round?"
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Why did the blonde go up on top of the bar?

Because the bartender said the drinks were on the house!!

One day, a policeman walked by and saw a drunk man sitting in a puddle.
"Hey, are you drunk?" asked the policeman.

"No! I'm just resting!" said the drunk man in a lazy voice.

"Oh, is that so? Well, if your not drunk, what time is it?"

The drunk man raised his arm, as if to point at something, and raised the other arm to cross the first arm over and said, "It's 12:43!"

"Amazing!" said the policeman. "How did you do that?"

"Hee hee, magic!" he said in a drunk voice. The policeman was puzzled and asked the drunk man again how he did it.

"Oh ok! Don't push me!" he said. "I'll tell you how I did it only if you sit with me in this puddle."

" What? No, I'm not sitting in that puddle." said the policeman.

" OK, then you will not learn my secret."

So the policeman stepped in the puddle, and sat down near the drunk man. "OK, I'm in the puddle, now tell me

"Well, turn to face that way, and look at that very large building," He pointed, " Do you see it?"

"Ya I see it, so what?" Said the policeman.
"Well, then I bet that you see that the building is Big Ben."

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch. The woman next to him asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued by this, the woman asks, "What does it do, Mr. Bond?" "Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." "I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?" "It says you're not wearing any knickers..." Bond says. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!" 007 taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"