Barroom jokes

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, 'So what's new in your life?'
The other responded, 'Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.'
The other man says, 'My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.'
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, 'I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach.'

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

'Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'

'Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.'

'Okay,' says the guy. He turns to his dog. 'Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?'

'Roof!' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

'THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!'

'Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?'

'Ruff!"

'What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?'

'Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?'

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.

One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"