Barroom jokes

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."

The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the leprechaun.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, 'Father, what causes arthritis?'

'Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,' the priest replied. 'Imagine that,' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have arthritis, Father,' the drunk said, 'but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.'

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, 'He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, 'You're sure he isn't here?'
The bartender says, 'Yes, I'm very sure.'
The lady says, 'Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.'