Barroom jokes

A lady walks into a bar and says,' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, 'Barkeep, gimme another martooni.' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,' Would you like another?' She says,' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'

The bartender says, 'Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.'

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A guy walked into a bar... OUCH!

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.

One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"