Barroom jokes

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. 'Don't worry!' says the driver to his friend, 'Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!'

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. 'Have you been drinking?' he asks them.

'Oh no Sir,' replies the driver.

'I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?' the cop asks.

'Oh, no sir,' the drunk answers. 'We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.'

'Well, I've got to ask you,' says the cop, 'What on earth are those things on your forehead?'

'That's easy, Officer,' says the drunk. 'You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!'

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, 'If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, 'If you were my wife I would drink it.'

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts complaining that he's always at the pub and never takes her anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining, the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub.

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much beer has got to have a pint on me!"