Barroom jokes

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Christ!" he says, "My wife ish going to kill me."

His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."

"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht."

Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off.

Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..."

"But there are 40 dollars here," she replies.

"Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."

Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

A lady walks into a bar and says,' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, 'Barkeep, gimme another martooni.' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,' Would you like another?' She says,' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'

The bartender says, 'Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.'

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."