Barroom jokes

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bitblue, shakes her head. "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's behind. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."

The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."