Barroom jokes

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me." "Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill." So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks. The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

A drunken man walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender's collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look. He knocks over the old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun. The leprechaun says, "You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What'll they be?" The guy says, "How about a botomless mug of Schnapps. Then it apears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps untill he is sure that the mug would not run dry. Then the leprechaun says, "OK, you got two more wishes. What'll they be?" The man says "I like this one, how about two more just like it?"

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."