Barroom jokes

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.

As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I'm a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Alright. The toilet's right around the corner."

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.

Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.

One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.

Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.

Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.

"Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"

"Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin.

"Yes," replied the Ringmaster.

"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"

"Yes, Yes my feathered friend."

"Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site.