Barroom jokes

1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
6. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
7. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
11. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
12. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"

"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said 'Clean my house.'

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?
One's a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!