Barroom jokes

1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
6. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
7. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
11. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
12. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!"

"Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" The man whose head it is runs his hand over it, too.

"So it does! So it does!"