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"How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"
"Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
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His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."
"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht."
Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off.
Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..."
"But there are 40 dollars here," she replies.
"Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."
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