Barroom jokes

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.

Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."

"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"

"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."

"And them out there?" asks the guy,

"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money.

The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."

The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for."

The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money."

So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.

He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.

A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for.

The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money."

So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.

Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets."

So, he took his money and left.

About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it."

The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."

Two blondes walked in to a bar...Thought they'd see that coming.