Barroom jokes

A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.

"But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.

"Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn't.

"Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."

"Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How 'bout you kiss my ass? Not too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

'I can't do that, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.'

'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.'

'Alright, we could get a blood sample.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.'

'Fine then, just walk this white line.'

'Can't do that either, officer.'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm drunk.'

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, 'I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'

The woman replied, 'Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'

The man replied, 'No, I'm turning the heat off.'