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a child's prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

heavenly hmo
St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven when three men appeared, all of them doctors. Peter looked at the first one and asked, 'What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was an oncologist—I helped many cancer patients and saved many lives,' the man answered.

'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter looked at the second man and asked, 'What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was a clinical pediatrician—I helped many poor kids who could not afford private care,' said the second man.

'Very well,' said St. Peter. 'You may enter...'

Peter then turned to the third man and asked, 'And what have YOU done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?'

'I was the director of a large HMO company in the United States,' the third man said proudly.

St. Peter paused and looked in his book for a few minutes. After a while, he looked up and said to the third man, 'Well, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you may only stay for three days....'

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
roses are red
Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm schizophrenic

And so am I

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