it's quittin' time
A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to the doctor's.
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"How's it going?" the doctor asked him.
"Great," he replied. "I haven't had a butt in weeks."
in his image
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
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Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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