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regularity
 
 
Woman: I have a problem.

Doctor: Well, are you regular?

Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.

Doctor: So, what's the problem?

Woman: I don't get up untill 9:30.

closer to god
 
 
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

a guy came home one day after getting fired ...
 
 
A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that he decided to end it all and kill himself.

He went to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a bottle and began to swallow a handful of Prozac pills he found there.

After the first few he felt a lot better.

how do you know the toothbrush was invented...
 
 
How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.


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