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careerist
 
 
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A doctor?"

"And why's that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

closer to god
 
 
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

yo mama's so fat...
 
 
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said "To be continued..."
bouncing baby brute
 
 
You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor had to put you in a bucket of water to see which end of you would breathe.

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