Medical jokes

A guy goes to his doctor because he's been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news." "What's the very bad news?" the man asks warily. "Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live." "Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what's the bad news?" "Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer's disease," says the doc. "Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don't have cancer!"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says, 'Hello, sir, I like your dog!'

The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, 'It's not a dog, it's a brick.'

The policeman replies, 'Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,' and walks off rather puzzled.

As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, 'That fooled him, didn't it Rover?'

"How are your hemorrhoids?"

"Swell."