Medical jokes

Q. How do crabs leave the hospital?
A. On crotches!

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to the doctor's.

"How's it going?" the doctor asked him.

"Great," he replied. "I haven't had a butt in weeks."

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

'But how will I let you know the baby is born?' she asked. He replied, 'Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.'

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, 'Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.'

The doctor said, 'Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'