Medical jokes

Jokes » medical » jokes 31


old age
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, 'How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?'

'Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.'

What does D.A.M stand for?

Mothers Against Dyslexia.

wacky news of the world
But Doctor, You HAVE To!
In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52, tried to cure his sexual impotence by having a penis transplant -- using a donkey as the donor. The wire service Agence France-Presse reported that three times Esirgen brought home a donkey, amputated its sexual organs and appealed in vain for a doctor to perform the operation. Apparently the third time so annoyed his family that his son shot him in the leg.

Horse and Druggies
In one of the strangest alliances ever encountered by law enforcement in the Amish community of Pennsylvania, members of the Pagans Motorcycle Club allegedly conspired with some young Amish men to sell "multiple kilograms" of cocaine to Amish youth groups. The drugs were to be sold to the Amish youths during hoedowns. The deals took place in Gap, PA, minutes east of Intercourse, PA.

The BBC reported British researchers duplicated and solved the gruesome paranormal mystery of spontaneous human combustion, where bodies burn completely, except for the legs, while nearby furniture remains untouched. After successfully burning a pig carcass they said human fat, ignited by a little as a cigarette, can cause a 'wick effect,' burning for hours and consuming a body like a candle.

Kaleef the Blacksmith Had One Down the Street, Where The Big Hole Is
A second stray U.S. Tomahawk missile was found in Pakistan as that country mounted interview efforts asking citizenry if they've seen any more.

It Only Hurts When I Reboot
In England, Professor Kevin Warwick, head of the University of Reading's Cybernetics Dept, claimed to be the first person in the world to have a computer chip surgically implanted into his body. In a demo, his computer greeted him with “Good morning, Professor Warwick. You have five new E-mails.”

Classy Ending Of the Day
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish (like a catfish) and refusing to let go as he waded in and was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've got him!' Divers found his body after a two-day search.

Sticks and Stones...
800 were left injured, 25 critically, at the annual Gotmar festival near Chhindwara in India. A traditional part is where residents from two nearby villages gather on opposite sides of a river to hurl rocks and abuses at each other, before feasting and rejoicing together later. Getting hit is considered a good omen.

Nice Goggles. Designer?
Cadillac will offer a night vision option in its 2000 DeVille. It uses military-like infrared sensors to create a 4-by-10-inch windshield projection just above the steering wheel. Warm objects like people appear white. Auto mag reporters say it works, revealing pedestrians some 200 yards before headlights pick them up.

Naughty Nurses
The United Kingdom Central Council of Nursing, Midwifery and Health sent letters warning 640,000 British nurses to stop using offensive abbreviations in their notes which go into patients' records. Examples include BUNDY (but unfortunately not dead yet), PIN (pain in the neck), and FLK (funny looking kid).

Where IS Everybody? Burp

The state of Illinois will discipline Dr. Bennet Braun, a prominent psychiatrist who they say took repressed-memory therapy too far. Braun convinced Pat Burgus, 42, (who already sued successfully for $10 million) that she possessed 300 personalities, served in a cult, and sexually abused her children (two of whom she was persuaded to hospitalize for three years). Also that she ate human flesh meatloaf made from 2,000 people a year, despite the fact that she lived in a tiny Iowa town.

mental institution
Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

Page 32 of 73     «« Previous | Next »»