Medical jokes

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i ain't 'fraid of no ghost
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.

Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

"What's going on here?"

"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

yo mama's so fat
Yo' mama so fat, her doctor said she had a flesh-eating disease and told her she had 13 years to live!
brain transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, 'Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'Well, how much does a brain cost?' asked the relatives.

'For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,' replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, 'Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?'

'Standard pricing practice,' said the doctor. 'Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used.'

actual medical chart notes
  1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
  4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  7. The patient refused autopsy.
  8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  10. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
  11. She is numb from her toes down.
  12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

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