Medical jokes

An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What's for dinner, honey?” No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what's for supper?”

She says, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Hey, if I pay for the plastic surgery will you do it?

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.

When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, 'How ya doing?'

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. 'You want that?' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. 'He was a good man and I'll never forget him,' the preacher said, 'I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.'

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. 'Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!'