Medical jokes

What did one duck say to the other?

What?

"Social Security!"

I don't get it.

You won't till you're 65...

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A guy goes to his doctor because he's been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news." "What's the very bad news?" the man asks warily. "Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live." "Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what's the bad news?" "Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer's disease," says the doc. "Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don't have cancer!"