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satisfaction
 
 
There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way, he'd last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."

"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

wedding night
 
 
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?' he asked.

'Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?'

'Ma'am,' he answered, 'that there is called a penis.'

'I see,' she said. 'Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?'

'Why that there is called the head of the penis.'

'I do declare!' exclaimed the young woman. 'One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?'

'I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!'

lose 20 lbs. guaranteed!
 
 
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.

A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

punk rocker
 
 
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, 'Keep off the grass.' After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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