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won't be needing these nikes anymore
 
 
A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news."

"Tell me the bad news" says the man.

"Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut both your legs off."

"Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?"

"The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to buy your shoes."

english patient
 
 
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

poor old man
 
 
This old man goes to the doctor's.

"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't remember where I live."

gynecologist grease monkey
 
 
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. Our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results.

The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark.

The instructor said, "No, that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe."


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