Medical jokes

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband.

He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.

When the wife came out, the husband asked her, “so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?” And the wife said, “Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to die.”

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."

When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes five sessions.

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient's long-haired colleagues. 'So what was he doing then?' asks the physician. 'Acid? Cannabis?' 'Sort of,' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. 'But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.' 'And what was in that?' asks the doctor. 'Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.' says the hippie. 'There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.' 'Well, that explains it,' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. 'He is in a Korma.'