News And Politics jokes

A start.

"Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!"

"Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team."

"Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers."

Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked.

"Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied.

Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke."

"I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday."

"Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back"

Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off."

"I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam.

"Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"

The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."