News And Politics jokes

This week, the Bush administration finally released the official start-date of the U.S. war in Iraq, giving the United Nations a March 17th deadline by which to disband, or face total annihilation. As a side-note the White House also designated that date as the deadline by which Iraq must be fully disarmed in order to avoid the gift of democracy. Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke to reporters after addressing the U.N. earlier this week, explaining that, "even though we consider the destruction of the Iraqi people a major priority, our greater motivation is to completely undermine the United Nations as a credible or functioning entity in global affairs. We wouldn't be accused so consistently of violating international law if there was no international law of which to speak."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld elaborated on that position Friday, chuckling that, "that should take care of some of the crybabys." D

During the same briefing, Donald Rumsfeld addressed his notorious remarks that characterized the opposition to America's war in Iraq as "old Europe," clarifying that, "when I used that term to describe countries like France and Germany, I just meant it in the respect that when we're through with the world, they won't have electricity, running water, or gay bathhouses, just like in Medieval times ."

So as the deadline approaches, the U.N.'s fifteen member security council remains sharply divided on the matter, but President Bush has maintained his steadfast confidence in the necessity of action in Iraq, strengthened by his belief that, "Jesus would never send a Yale man to Hell." In light of international pleas, from both nation members of the U.N. and a weapon inspections team headed by Hans Blix, to continue pursuing peaceful disarmament, President Bush stated during his Thursday press conference that, "I think it's clear beyond a reasonable doubt that we are still in a diplomatic phase right now. War is not inevitable. Saddam Hussein has until March 17th to decide. If by then 2 million Iraqi people spontaneously die, Saddam Hussein drowns in his kitchen sink, the United Nations stops inventing treaties we don't want to sign, oil becomes obsolete, Iraq changes its national anthem to "Downtown" by Petula Clark, I win yet another term without having to undergo a democratic election, my father stops referring to me remorsefully as "Barbara's night of indiscretion with a sub-average Ferris-wheel operator from a genetically questionable Mississippi pharmaceutical town," and Iraq fully and finally disarms, then we can begin to make some peaceful progress. It's a very simple demand that has been met with resistance, lies, and deception for more than a decade. This is Saddam Hussein's last chance to prove he can disarm to avert war."

Going into this weekend, Iraq responded to the American proposed deadline by quickening the pace of its missile destruction, under the observation of U.N. weapons inspectors. By Sunday afternoon, the number of dismantled weapons had jumped from six to 46. President Bush responded to these efforts of disarmament, opening and closing his remarks by indicating that, "that's not what we mean by disarmament." In order to better qualify the vagueness of America's demands, the President explained that later in the week that, "while we consider regime change in Iraq inevitable, we consider war completely evitable."

As the White House seriously contemplates the offhand possibility of war, cautiously weighing the costs and benefits therein, a quarter of a million U.S. troops have massed on the desert borders of Iraq, "for a military symposium on the importance of sand," according to an unidentified officer stationed in Kuwait. Armed Forces General Tommy Franks spoke further on the special event that includes such sand-oriented educational clinics as driving tanks in the sand, blowing craters in the sand and littering the sand with body parts, stating that, "while the convention is geared toward tactical maneuvering in the sand, we are also acutely aware of our coincidental proximity to Iraq. And in the unlikely event that President Bush orders a strike on Iraq, we are prepared to send our valued sand experts home and go to work. We may be in the midst of a crucial training phase, but the United States army is always ready to answer the call of duty, no matter how suddenly it comes."

And while it bears repeating that the war in Iraq is still avoidable according to the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer warned Americans during a Friday press conference that, "the coming war, which is being done to prevent terrorism at home and abroad, will certainly renew the great threat of terrorist attacks against the United States and its friends and allies." And to combat the routinely non-specific nature of Homeland Security's recent terror alerts, he introduced the White House's newest measure in ensuring the complete pervasion of an insane and unquenchable panic in the American public, unveiling www.itcouldbeyou.gov. The new, federally maintained website will give Americans the opportunity to sign in, enter personal information and find out if they, individually, could be the next victim of a terrorist attack. Fleischer described it as "a great way to assess your own vulnerability." All you have to do is enter your name, address, social security number, credit card information, a copy of the deed to your house, the number of crimes you've been convicted of, the names of all the communists you've ever met, read or seen on television, you're favorite pillar of Islam and three magazines that you'd most like to receive great subscription deals on and we tell you whether or not you, your family or your friends could be the next victims of a fundamentalist terrorist attack. If the answer is yes, you will be presented with a list of products that could protect you from terrorism, thanks to an agreement between the administration and the Best Buy superstore chain. The site will also feature such purchase options as anti-terror supply gift certificates, local militia recruitment videos and personal crowd control tasers.

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.

Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"

She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.

Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?