Gross jokes

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the vampire
There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said 'TEA TIME!'
sex on the beach
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

what, no golden goose?
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
cuban delicacy
A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day and he still hasn't tried the food.

He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.

The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.

The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.

The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.

The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.

The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."

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