Gross jokes

Jokes » gross » jokes 20

Gross


obese michigan mammas
 
 
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

workplace farting: options explored
 
 
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

a gut-wrenching fart story
 
 
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

40' long and stinky
 
 
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.


Page 21 of 101     «« Previous | Next »»