Gross jokes

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.

"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"

"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"

"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."

Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."

Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.

Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"

"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,'You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."