"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
'Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, 'Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.
The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than the meal the other man had the day before.
The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Page 38 of 101 «« Previous | Next »»