Sexuality jokes

I hate to brag, but if I was sitting on the toilet, and got the hiccups, I'd siphon the bowl dry!

There were these two people in a bar, a boy and a girl. They started talking and decided to go back to the guy's house. When they got there the man took off his shirt and said, 'This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite.'
The girl was sweating.
Then he took off his pants and said, 'This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite.'
By now, the girl wanted to jump on him. Then he took off his boxers and the girl started to run for the door.
The guy asked, 'Whats wrong? Where are you going?'
The girl said 'With 2,000 pounds fo dynamite and such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow.'

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Use more lube.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, 'I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.'
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
'Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,' he laments, 'and she doesn't even know how to drive!'
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. 'Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,' he chuckles. 'My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!'