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none for you
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

three tickets
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

lesbian dinosaur
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


the lady and the facelift
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, 'Sir, how old do you think I am'?

The man replies 'You're 30, right?' She says 'No, I'm 47, but nice try.'

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, 'How old do you think I am?'

The man replies, 'You're 37, right?'

The lady says 'No, I'm 47, but good guess.'

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies 'Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, 'You're 47!'

The lady, astonished, asks, 'How did you know?'

The old man replies 'I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.'

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