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My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!
My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!
If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.
My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!
My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!
A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!
My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!
My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!
If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!
Hemingway's lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."
My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!
Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!
Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!
So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!
My genitals are comparable to Harvard University's endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.
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INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK*
IRELAND
"Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE
"Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
ITALY
"Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "
POLAND
"Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?"
GERMANY
"Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY
"Where's the hash at? It's cool to slaughter Kurds though, right?"
KOREA
"Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?"
CHINA
"This wall isn't so great."
ENGLAND
"Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?"
SWEDEN
"Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
YEMEN
"Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country. What's it mean ‘Land Of Fanatics And Desert'?"
INDIA
"You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"
ETHIOPIA
"After a long day of travel, I'm famished. Hey – those flies sure love your newborn!"
CANADA
"You're like Americans without money."
SPAIN
"So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
SOUTH AFRICA
"I liked it better the other way."
MEXICO
"Cancun is nice, but the rest of this third world country sucks!"
SAUDI ARABIA
"Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?"
RUSSIA
"Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"
UZBEKISTAN
"Can you spell Uzbekistan?"
GREECE
"I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble a Turk?"
AFGHANISTAN
"Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?"
JAPAN
"What's Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?"
AUSTRALIA
"How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"
AMERICA
"You mean, you're all not loud, stupid, and fat?"
*These questions should not be shouted in English.
Check out Gerhard Reinke's WANDERLUST, Saturdays @ 11:30 PM | 9 C on Comedy Central.
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A: Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"
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