Sexuality jokes

I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'

That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, 'Ribbit. Three wood.' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. 'Ribbit. Vegas.'

So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. 'Ribbit. Roulette.'

So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should wager. 'Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.'

It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. 'Ribbit. Kiss me.'

I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a 15-year old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying, my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.

About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
'How come?'

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”

The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”