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"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."
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"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
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He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, 'Now that's addition.'
And as he added smack by smack, in silent satisfication, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, 'Now that's subtraction.'
Then he kissed her, she kissed him without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, 'That's multiplication.'
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away and said, 'That's long division!'
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"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
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