Men And Women jokes

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me."
I'll be leaving before the next round.

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
I'm easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
I'm gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
I'm horny.

10. "Who's got the next round?"
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Why did the blonde put makeup on her forehead?

To make up her mind.

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch. The woman next to him asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued by this, the woman asks, "What does it do, Mr. Bond?" "Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." "I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?" "It says you're not wearing any knickers..." Bond says. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!" 007 taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"