Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women


something borrowed, something blew
 
 
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, 'Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'

The groom replies, 'I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, 'Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'

The bride replies 'I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.'

two hundred dollar deal
 
 
A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks on the door and his friend's wife answers. “Is John home?” he asks.

“No, I'm sorry,” she says. “He's gone out to run a few errands.”

“Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?” the guy asks.

So John's wife, who's wearing a robe, invites him inside.

“I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe,” says John's friend. “I will pay you $100 if I could just see them.”

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens her robe exposing her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table.

Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he says, “Your breasts are so beautiful, can I suck on them. I will pay you another $100 if you will let me.”

She once again thinks for a moment and thinks, “What the hell,” opens her robe, and the man spends at least five minutes on each luscious breast.

He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100, throws it on the table and says, “I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.”
About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says, “Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.”
John replies, “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”
dead again
 
 
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

marriage made in heaven
 
 
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"


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