Men And Women jokes

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,' said a small woman, 'but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, 'Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?'

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. 'Where the hell have you been?!?!' she screaches.

'Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.'

'Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!'

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, 'You liar! You went bowling again!'

How are men like computers?

They don't work until they're turned on.

How's a casino like a woman?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back!