Men And Women jokes

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Men And Women


hired help
 
 
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, 'Who is this?'

'This is the maid,' answers the woman.

'We don't have a maid,' says the man.

The woman says, 'I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'

The man says, 'Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'

The woman replies, 'She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, 'Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'

The maid says, 'What will I have to do?'

The man tells her, 'I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, 'What do I do with the bodies?'

The man says, 'Throw them in the swimming pool.'

Puzzled, the maid answers, 'But you don't have a pool.'

A long pause and the man says, 'Is this 567-5309?'

golf on the sly
 
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

the newlywed game
 
 
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

how to impress a woman/man
 
 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.


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