The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
(1) 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'
(2) 'His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) 'I would not allow this employee to breed.'
(4) 'This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.'
(5) 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'
(6) 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'
(7) 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'
(8) 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'
(9) 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'
(10) 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'
(11) 'This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.'
(12) 'Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'
(13) 'A gross ignoramus144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
(14) 'He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.'
(15) 'He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.'
(16) 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'
(17) 'He's been working with glue too much.'
(18) 'He would argue with a signpost.'
(19) 'He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'
(20) 'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
(21) 'When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'
(22) 'If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.'
(23) 'A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
(24) 'A prime candidate for natural deselection.'
(25) 'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
(26) 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'
(27) 'Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'
(28) 'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'
(29) 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'
(30) 'If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.'
(31) 'It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.'
(32) 'One neuron short of a synapse.'
(33) 'Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.'
(34) 'Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.'
(35) 'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.'
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it?!'
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